the aftermath of the last man
by toilet-ducky
Summary: set in the fourth season of stargate atlantis but can be viewed as a stand alone. Colonel Samantha carter has died. How will this effect those who she has left behind? D/S
1. Chapter 1

This started out as a small piece about the effects of Sam's death on the members of her old team. It kind of spiralled out of control as these tings tend to; and turned into this really morbid Dan/Sam fiction. It is a bit over the top and wallowing. but I've been writing this while being stuck at home ill will glandular fever for what seems forever, when I should be at university getting well and truly plastered. So please do not judge it too harshly. J

He's in his lab when he finds out. He's not usually there anymore. Choosing to spend a lot more time off-world. Mostly helping Teal'c with the new Jaffa-Tau'ri alliance. He can't bare to go home anymore; it's so empty now. It's early days, there is still a lot of ground to cover. With the loss of Dakar, the Jaffa have become fractured; developing fragile societies on a number of different worlds; It's difficult but he thinks they are making some headway. Daniel's preparing a briefing for General Landry about the recent progress, when Major Evan Lorne walks in. Daniel doesn't even look up from his laptop at first. It's the dress blues that catch his attention. They are not something worn everyday. Reserved for celebrations and bad news. It makes him stop and take a sharp intake of breath. Lorne enters the lab, taking off his hat and bowing his head slightly. Definitely bad news. He places a small envelope on the desk in front of him; and steps back. Daniel looks at him; waiting. Lorne has been crying, his eyes; red and swollen. He tries to say something, but the words don't come. He looks at the doctor, then at his shoes.

"What is it Major?" Daniel doesn't want to ask. Doesn't want to know. But the silence is deafening.

"It's Sam."

It hits him like a bullet, his hands start to shake. the pencil between his fingers; falling to the floor. the sound it creates; the only thing in the room that dulls the silence. He wants to vomit, to scream, to do anything. But he can't. He can't manage anything but to listen. "At 1200 hrs yesterday. We received intelligence that Michael was preparing an assault on a heavily populated human world. Colonel Carter thought that she could intercept any ships and stop a space bombardment." The major stops, fiercely rubbing his eyes with a hand. Daniel wants to stop him, to stop the words. But his voice won't work. "It was a trap. the phoenix was boxed in; taking fire from all sides. There was no chance of retreat even if they wanted to. Sam managed to beam the remainder of her crew to the surface, with express instructions to take any survivors to the designated refugee planet. Sam's last act was to crash the ship into the hive, taking out three other enemy vessels with them." Daniel doesn't know what to do. It's the fear that shocks him the most. It's all encompassing; and threatening to take him whole. Evan obviously cannot see the darkness because he continues. "All surviving members of the earth vessel Phoenix arrived back on Atlantis at 900 hrs this morning, all because of Colonel Samantha Carter." Daniel's eyes are trained on the floor. Major Lorne puts the hat back on, saluting the room, he is about to leave when Daniel stops him.

"What's the envelope for?" He won't even look at it.

"I don't know Doctor. All I know is what is stated in her file."

"Her File?" His voice is monotone. The usual curiosity is remarkably absent. His inset nature for information; a thirst for knowledge is gone. He doesn't want to know anything else. But he wants the major to keep talking. Anything to stave off the silence. The darkness. The nothingness that only she can fill.

"Every air force offer has one. A secure file on the base computer, only to be opened in the event of their death in active service. It lays out their final requests and such like. One of Sam's was to give you that envelope when you are informed of her death. I have similar ones to give a few other of the people closest to the Colonel." Daniel nods in acknowledgment, A courtesy, nothing more.

"Have Teal'c and General O'Neill been told yet?"

"No, you're the first. Teal'c is off-world" The major's voice is quick, and attentive. Answering the questions the only thing he feels he can do for the doctor right now. "They're sending word to him, asking him to return, it's not the kind of thing you can say over the radio. Anyway I am sure he'll want to be here for the memorial service." Daniel hadn't even thought of that yet. "General O'Neill is still in Washington at present, I'll be notifying him in due course."

"What about Cassandra?" His voice is calm; impassive. At complete odds as to what is going on inside his head.

"I'm boarding a plane soon. Apparently she's at college in Boston." Daniels nods ascent. With an a conserved effort Daniel speaks. More to stop Lorne's worried eyes than any positive reaction.

"Yeah she's studying classics. In her second year." Ever since she came to earth Cassie has been really interested in the history of her new home. He had only spoken to her yesterday. intending to check up on her before he went off-world again. Sam demands that he keep an eye on Cassandra, she thinks of her as a daughter.

"I'll come with you." He says it without thinking. Daniel couldn't bare to think of Cassandra all alone listening to the dying moments of Sam; staring into the eyes of a virtual stranger. "I mean if you want me to."

"thank you Doctor. I think that this would be for the best. She'll need someone right now. And I think you do as well." Major Lorne straightens ready to go. "If you want to put a bag together, we need to the leave the base in twenty minutes. I don't know how long this will take, best to take a change of clothes." Daniel stands to go to his quarters, and throw the nearest pile of clothes into a holdall, when the Evan calls him back.

"Don't you want to take the letter?" He holds it out to Daniel, who turns away from it.

"I just can't face that right now Evan. I need to focus on Cassie. I think that this can wait. I don't need to see her last words to me right now; Ok?" Lorne doesn't push it. He can't imagine what's going through Daniel's head right now. He knows how close all of the former frontline team are to each other.


	2. Chapter 2

The pair leave Cheyenne mountain half an hour later. Daniel's quiet on the plane. He sit's in his seat staring straight ahead of him intently, not looking at anything. Lorne is at a loss at what to do. He doesn't think he's the right person for this. He volunteered because he couldn't bare the thought of her friends and family being told of her death by someone who didn't know her. By someone who could not understand how devastating the loss of Colonel Samantha Carter was. But now he wonders if he's made the right decision. Daniel is obviously still in shock, maybe it would be better if he is with someone who is better equipped to deal with this. They arrive outside Cassandra's flat much later on that evening. The headlights of the rental car shine into her dark home, illuminating the empty living room. Lorne worries that she might not be in; but presses the doorbell anyway. It takes three rings and five minutes for Cassie to answer. Evan is shocked by what greets them. Cassie looks a lot older than he imagined. She isn't wearing much; an extra large t-shirt barely hides her modesty, showcasing long shapely legs. Her hair is dishevelled, she has obviously been asleep.

"Daniel? What are you doing here? I thought it was one of my flatmates, locked himself out again." She leans against the doorway, her hands trying to rub herself warm. Daniel manages to give her a small smile, it looks distorted on his face now, and it does not last long.

"It's good to see you Cassie." She quickly walks foreword, embracing him. She knows something wrong, he's stone in her arms. He wants to hug her, he really does. But the earlier news feels like a barrier now; between him and the rest of the world. She brings him to arms length, searching his face. Evan clears his throat bringing attention his way.

"if it is Ok with you miss Frasier, maybe it's better if we further our discussions inside." She nods, taking her hands off Daniel and leading them in. She takes them into the modest lounge, Daniel sits down on one of the second hand sofas, though Evan and Cassandra don't. She looks from Daniel to the air force officer.

"You two are starting to scare me now. What's going on?" Her eyes are demanding

"Maybe it would be better if you sat down Miss Frasier."

"My name is Cassie. Miss Frasier was my mother. and No I won't sit down. What's going on Daniel?" Daniel can't help but a twisted smile at that, she's so much like Janet. The smile goes when he sees her eyes full of tears.

"Cassie please don't, please don't cry" He wants nothing more than to take her in his arms like he used to when she was a child. He knows it wont be the same. He isn't the same anymore. He is ice and stone and metal. Turning into something that can no longer break. His heart doing the only thing it can to stop the pain. He goes to hold her, but she keeps him at arms length.

"Daniel"

"Sam's Dead Cass." She pushes his arms off hers, retreating backwards. He doesn't even try to walk to her, he just stares at her, her emotions so different to his. There's no despair or emptiness, just anger, resentment and disbelief. She's shaking her head looking between Lorne and Daniel.

"No you've got it wrong. I mean she's safe now. She has to be. All those years travelling across the galaxy, fighting the Gou'ald, the parasites that destroyed my people and dominated the galaxy. And she always came home. Then the Orai, you guys even beat them. Atlantis was supposed to be safer, for god's sake! She wasn't going on missions anymore, how did this happen?" Her voice is angry, accusing. Evan steps foreword, the brave soldier.

"She died saving, not only those under her command, but an entire planet of innocent people." This quietens Cassandra quite a bit. She knows that Sam would have wanted to go this way. She would never have been able to go home knowing that there were people in Pegasus that needed her help. They manage to calm her, making her sit down while Evan goes through the last mission Of Colonel Samantha Carter. Daniel sits next to Cassie, her hand fiercely holding his. It's warmth feels alien to him. His own hands strangely cold. Evan places an almost identical envelope in Cassie's other shaking hand to the one he had given Daniel.

"She wanted you to have this." Cassie wipes her eyes and looks down at her name written in Sam's untidy scrawl. She opens the envelope without hesitation, something that Daniel is still unable to do. Cassie's hand shakes round the paper, her eyes welling with tears. Water spatters the surface, making the ink run slightly. She shoves the letter into Daniel's hand, and he knows what she wants him to do.

He finds it difficult seeing her writing on the page. The Last words of a dead woman. Lorne volunteers to wait in another room, thinking that this is a time for family and close friends. Cassandra says that it's Ok for him to stay but he's insistent, leaving the room before she can argue. Daniel reads the words clumsily, his usual finesse for them out of the window, finding it hard to string the words together as if they want to fly off of their own accord. Sam's letter is apologetic, asking Cassandra for her forgiveness in leaving her. Silent tears tumble down Cassie's cheeks. Daniel continues reading; his voice stretched and raw. Sam wrote the letter recently talking about the battle with Michael, and how she is fearful of the outcome. This knowledge causes fresh wounds in Daniel. The thought that Sam lay several million light years away, aware that she may die. Willing to do so to protect others. He doesn't know what he would have done if he had known, but the thought that she had kept this from him hurts. She had been back at the SGC only a month previously. Asking General O'Neill and the IOA for more resources. the devotion of more troops and the creation of another ship to be used alongside the newly fitted phoenix. Of course she had been denied. Daniel didn't have to drag her back to his house that night. She was exhausted and angry from all the negotiating. Daniel had managed to calm her Over bottles of wine and lasagne at his house. They had only had one night together, he had asked her to stay longer, but she was desperate to return to Atlantis as soon as possible. Seeing the words on the page about her realisation that this command may be her last, brings a fresh wave of hurt, how could she not have told him? He wonders if she wrote any other of these letters in her years at the SGC. When they had boarded the ship of Apophis? Or the time she and Teal'c had taken a modified cargo ship into replicator dominated space? Surely she could have not predicted her own death any more accurately this time? When he finishes the letter, Daniel begins to feel numb once more. Cassie looks at him, her tears now turning into uncontrollable sobs. Daniel's lost; unaware of what to do next, he is directionless and it scares him half to death.

Evan walks back into the room, looking between Dr Jackson and Cassandra.

"I am expected back on the plane shortly, I'll go straight to Washington, Notify General O'Neill." Evan is even more apprehensive about this, unaware about how the General will receive the news. "General Landry would like both of you back to the mountain as soon as possible, he would like help to organise her memorial service." It's going too quickly in Daniel's opinion. she has been dead less than twenty four hours and they already want to hold her memorial. It will be a co-ordinated event, between the two galaxies, there are a lot of people from hundreds of different planets who want to pay their last respects to Colonel Samantha Carter. There will have to be a civilian ceremony too. An empty coffin will be lowered into the ground beneath a headstone that carries her name, rank and date of birth. Someone has to tell Mark, but he will wait till tomorrow at least, tonight all Daniel can do now is sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

He is woken by his mobile barely four hours later. At first he can't place the sound. His head still entrenched in the dream. The ringing becomes recognisable, pulling him back. He rises groggily from Cassie's sofa, causing the shawl to fall to the ground; his memories of the dream with it. His hands fumble for his phone.

"Dr Jackson here." He mumbles his mouth feeling cumbersome.

"Daniel it's Jack." He is awake now.

"Jack."

"Lorne said that he's already informed you." It's not a question. He sounds so cold down the phone, separated from everything. But Daniel understands, he can relate.

"Yes, yes he has, I'm at Cassie's now, we told her last night." He can sense Jack nodding at his words.

"Right. I'm glad your with her. That's why I phoned really, checking your both alright and everything. So you are then?"

"Are what?" His brain only running at half speed.

"Alright! What I mean to say is your Ok. Right!?" His voice is starting to sound annoyed, the anger rising. Daniel, stares at the phone incredulously. If he was thinking clearly he would realise that Jack is not angry with him. Anger is easier for him than any other emotion, especially grief. Daniel will later blame this on exhaustion, and pain that can no longer be numbed by shock. but he can't stop retaliating.

"Alright? How can I ever be alright again? Sam's gone, and she's never coming back." He doesn't realise that he's shouting down the phone.

"Daniel, Daniel I know.." Jack's voice withers,

"You don't Jack." The pain suddenly explodes from the box he had try to hide it in his heart. "I loved her." The phone is silent in his hands. But he still doesn't stop.

"I had her in my arms, in my bed and she was safe. She was safe. But she chose to leave, to go. To go out there and fight those damn things, a million miles away, And it hurts so much. I didn't think I could hurt like that again."

"At least your heart's still beating." it's under his breath. Daniel isn't even listening. Continuing his tirade.

"I just want it to stop. I just want the pain to go away Jack. Last night I couldn't feel anything. I was ice. I was inanimate. And I didn't think it could get worse. And now I can move once more. And it does. Make me into stone again Jack? Please" The phone is silent. "Does locking your feelings away work? Is that how you live with yourself?" He's still shouting more to make a noise than anything else. Jack's voice is calm and quiet. So unlike him.

"Stop it. Just stop it." But he can't. The numbness is gone now; and all is left is pain. It's raw and bleeding and all he can do is scream at the darkness.

"It was love Jack. It was real. And now she's gone. But I still feel it. It's still there, and it makes me hurt more." Jack knows his friends in pain. The pain that Jack feels in his own chest. It has replaced his damaged heart. Jack shouldn't speak anymore. He shouldn't have even called him. But he has and he knows the real reason why.

"I know Daniel."

"You think you know how I feel? Is it because you think you loved her?" He spit's the words, as if he's venomous. "I saw the way you looked at her. Longing; wanting. But you couldn't offer her your soul, because it's not whole anymore. What I had with her is real. And whatever you think you feel will never come close."

"She told me."

"Told you? Told you what?"

"Sam told me about you and her. She told me how happy she was. How she was in love with you." He's still quiet, but his voice is no longer cold, it's almost pleading. "You'd already been going out nearly two years then."

"We didn't even get to celebrate it together. She was sent to midway. To monitor the flight of Atlantis. It was only supposed to take a few hours, Be home for dinner she said. Of course things are never that simple."

"I know she was there. I ordered her there." O'Neill could have sent any other scientist. He could never have foreseen that Sam would be so useful. He had done it out of pure jealousy. It is now Daniel's turn to be silent on the phone. "I put her foreword for Atlantis as well."

"Does this make you feel better? Does telling me your Dark secret, alleviate your heavy conscious? Did sending her to Atlantis solve everything for you Jack? Are you secretly pleased that she's gone? At least she's not with me hey?" Daniel knows he's not being fair. Jack couldn't foresee this anymore than Sam could. But shouting seems to help Daniel at this point. Jack is reeling as if he has received a physical blow. He deserved this. It's why he'd phoned. He needed someone to blame him. He'd hoped it would stop him hating himself.

"I'm sorry Daniel." He is tempted to end the phone call there. But he doesn't. Daniel is hurting, and Jack's the target. As he should be. "I'm heading back to the SGC soon. I thought I'd meet up with Teal'c, see how he's holding up. I think it's best if we all have a few days. Get our heads together." A few days, that might be enough for General Jack O'Neill, but Daniel needs a lot longer than that to get over this.

"You know your welcome, Cassie too, if you want to spend sometime with Teal'c and me." Daniel doesn't know if he can be in the same room as Jack right now. But it's what Cassie would want.

"Yeah."

"Daniel before you go, I thought that you should know. I'm stopping by Sam's brothers house first."

"Mark, he's called Mark." There is shuffling of paper.

"Yeah, Mark James Carter. It says he's a paediatrician at a hospital in Oregon. I've got his file here. Lorne gave it to me earlier. I said I'd go see him. The poor man has had enough bad news to give out lately." Daniel hadn't given Mark much thought. He'd only lost his father a few years ago. Daniel's met him a few times. Two Christmases and a slightly strained thanksgiving dinner. Mark had been welcoming enough. wanting to build bridges with his sister; especially after the death of their father. But the last dinner hadn't gone well. Sam had been paged, something at the SGC, another crisis that they needed Sam for. Mark couldn't understand what would warrant her to be at work on thanksgiving, when Sam did not answer he had made a cutting comment about how alike Sam and her father were. They hadn't spoken since. They never will now.

"What are you going to say to him?"

"I honestly don't know. There's not much that I can say."

"He'll never know how his sister died. How many people she saved." Daniel's voice is reflective, but Jack can here the bitterness. Jack doesn't say anything to that, knowing that arguing would be pointless. "I want to come with you."

"I thought you would. I'll come by and pick you and Cassie up on the way." There's silence for a few moments. Jack thinking of something to fill it "She's written Mark a letter too."

"Have you read yours." He knows what Daniel's asking.

"Yes. A letter meant to alleviate a few demons from an old General's conscious. A letter to let him live in delusion if he so chooses. You haven't read yours." Again it is not a question.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye to her just yet."

"It'll be there when you are. She'll wait." The phone clicks off, dead in Daniel's hand. He looks from it to the door, where Cassandra stands, her arms folded, eyes trained on Daniel. For the second time that evening he sees Janet Frasier staring back at him from Cassie's eyes. He's waiting for the loud bang. The sharp tongue. She's going to make him phone Jack back up. Tell him it's all fuelled by grief and that he's sorry. But she doesn't; choosing instead to walk up to him her arms quickly wrapping round. He's not stone anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

_Cassie stays in the car. She doesn__'__t feel right going in. She hadn__'__t even known that Sam had a brother, and she thinks that this is not the right time for an introduction. Jack steps out of the car in his full dress uniform, he finds himself wearing it more and more lately. The material is rough against his skin, the tie feeling unnaturally tight on his neck. He__'__s a fraud. He__'__s a man in a costume, hoping that people will not look to close, see the aging broken heart. He remembers the way Sam looked in hers. It make his heart stop even now. Daniel gets out the other side, looking at Jack. He feels ashamed. longing for the dead woman who chose another man. A better person. They both walk in silence to the house. There is nothing more they have to say to each other. A child opens the door. Her eyes; huge orbs staring up; a spitting image of her aunt. She shouts for her father instantly, her small hand gripping the door. Mark walks down the stairs to his daughter, scooping her into his arms. He sees the uniform first. He knows what it means; but tries to ignore it for as long as possible._

"_Daniel Jackson, right?__"__ Jack looks at Daniel questioning. _

"_I came round a few times with Sam.__"__ he replies reminding him. _

"_I guess you two want to come in. Tell me what the bad news is__"__ he tries to keep it jovial hoping against hope for a small injury; or accident. but he knows there is little hope of that. Seeing the three stars on the General__'__s shoulder, he knows that a man of his stature would not come round for anything else. He wants to shut the door to them, make the news go away, but doesn__'__t. Jack nods, taking off his hat, and putting it under his arm. They are shown into the living room, toys are strewn all over the floor, two more children sit on a rug playing with bricks. He puts his daughter down next to them. _

"_Sorry about the mess, Emily has a few friends over, and my wife Alison has gone to see her father for a few days so Dad__'__s running the house at the moment.__"__ The smile dies on his face as he sees the expressions on theirs. __"__She__'__s dead isn__'__t she?__"__ Jack does most of the talking. Daniel doesn__'__t even really listen to the words anymore, he has heard the same rehearsed lines over and over, yet each word still cuts him. She was a brave woman. She died serving her country. Mark sits on the sofa, knees far apart, he grasps his hands together to stop them from shaking. __"__I should be used to this by now.__"__ he laughs hollowly. The tears are unexpected. His daughter is the first to notice. Her five year old face, looking into his. _

"_Daddy?__"__ She brings her arms up; wanting him to hold her. _

"_I__'__m fine sweetheart.__"__ He replies, but does not go to pick her up. Jack is quick to catch on. He scoops the little girl into his arms, much like he had done to Charlie many years previously. _

"_How about you come with me and your little friends and we play in the garden. Hey?__"__ they quickly leave Daniel and Mark alone. _

_Once again; the words fail Daniel. What could he possibly say to a man, who has lost his Father and Sister within three years of each other? Daniel goes to sit next to Mark, mimicking his stance. He hands over the letter. Mark traces his name in her untidy handwriting, but does not open the envelope. His voice is hoarse when he speaks. _

"_You know the last thing I said to her?__"__ Daniel remains silent. Knowing that he is meant to listen; not to sympathise or to console. __"__ Of course you do; you were there.__"__ Daniel nods; yet Mark continues; as if repeating the offending words would make them all go away __"__I told her how sometimes when she spoke, I saw Dad staring back. How I couldn__'__t do it any longer. I didn__'__t want to see it end up the same way. You dead because of her. Her job costing you your life. I told her that if she answered that call; if she left, she was dead to me.__"__ His shaking hands drop the envelope at this point, as he breaks down into uncontrollable sobs. Daniel knows what he Is expected to say. He doesn__'__t though. The words that are meant to soothe and comfort Mark never materialise. Instead he picks up the letter, keeping his eyes focused on it. _

"_Do you know, that I last time I got to talk to Sam properly was over a month ago now_?" Daniel had caught her occasional transmission from Atlantis. But It wasn't the same. They couldn't be us when a wormhole was the only thing connecting them. _"__she only ended up staying for one night.__"___It was last minute. The IOA had asked for a meeting with Sam for weeks, but she had been so busy with fitting out the new ship that she didn't have the time. It was only because of the insistence from General O'Neill that she came at all. It was supposed to be review of Atlantis operations. A stage for the committee to find out how personnel and mandates were panning out. But Sam, hijacked it into a chance to get clearance to build another earth vessel, and for the okay to devote more resources for the fight against Michael. 

"_I didn__'__t even get to say hi to her before, the meeting started_." There was no real need for Daniel to be there at all, but Jack had let him, more to stop him moaning than for any real purpose. 

"_She had lost weight, and her hair had grown long. But she was still Sam, her eyes wide and bright. Her New command had given her confidence among other things, but she was still the woman I had fallen in love with.__"___She had become fiery, since leaving for Atlantis. Command had given her the boost to challenge authority, something that she had never done before. She had Woolsey speechless, and grasping for reasons to appose her within the first hour. Jack had noticed as well, his eyes beginning to sparkle for the first time since she left. 

"You don't think that I was being too forceful do you?" She asks as her spoon plays with the blue jello that cling to the edges of the bowel. They have been given a small interval, to grab lunch and for Woolsey to grab his wits. Daniel, Sam and Jack have been sat in the commissary for the last half hour catching up. 

"No way Carter. If that's what you want, you have to grab it with both hands. Not that, that means that you'll get it though." He has tried to say the last part under his breath but she'd caught him.

"What do you mean by that, General? I hoped that you would back my proposal. After all we cannot abandon a whole galaxy." Daniel can't help but agree with her, but knows better than to voice it. 

"Whoa I'm not the enemy here Carter. It's just that you've got to keep in mind that it's not what I want that counts" Sam shakes her head, trying to keep her annoyance in check. 

"Well with all due respect, sir. I think that it is up to you, you could push this through." She looked up into his eyes, pleading. She had never used her relationship with him like this before.

Jack nearly gets lost in her eyes; so close to giving her everything. He quickly stands downing the last dregs of his coffee. 

"Sam, please." He stoops looking her in the eyes, his voice low and intense. "Don't do this." Jack quickly raises his head and voice.

"Carter, you really need to talk to the IOA about this, I can't help you right now. If I did, it would create more problems then it would solve." He leaves quickly, not daring to look back. She switches her attentions to Daniel, but her thoughts remain with O'Neill. she'll have to apologise later.

"Sorry about that. It's just that I'm under quite a lot of pressure." She puts her head in her hands, her hair falling down to cover her face. She gives out a long sigh. "I sometimes wonder how the General does it. I mean I've only got the Atlantis expedition to worry about, he's got everything star gate related on his plate." Daniel covers her hand with his, stroking her face. He moves the hair from her eyes. She smiles with genuine gratitude. "God listen to me, I really should learn to switch off shouldn't I?" He smiles silently knowing that she doesn't really want to hear the answer. He quickly removes his hand when Woolsey looms upon their table. 

"_Our relationship wasn__'__t exactly a secret, but we both had learnt to keep such knowledge from any officials that might have a problem.__"_

"Woolsey, would you like to join us?" He smiles some what sarcastically at her, using his new height gain to his advantage, puffing out his chest

"No, this won't take long. I've been on the phone with the rest of the IOA, and we have come to a consensus." He smiles broadly down at her, the smile developing into a sneer. 

"And what might that be Mr Woolsey?"

"We will not be granting any of your requests." Sam is ready to interrupt but he talks over her.

"This is not up for discussion, Colonel Carter. And further more, we would like you to draw up a report documenting the resources which you feel are easy to cut back up on."

"You can't be serious, I come here asking for you to support me, to show your faith in the mission, by devoting more soldiers and resources, and you want me to scale back, there is a war out there sir." He flippantly shakes his hand, demanding her to stop.

"But your own words betray you Colonel. You have said in your own reports how this has all the hallmarks of an extermination, rather than a war. A war means fighting, and the IOA and myself, wonder if this is the right course of action? We have drawn up a list of things that we want you to consider pulling back on." He places the report on the table but she refuses to look at it. "Your primary concern from now on, is the people of the expedition. If you keep them in mind, instead of trying to save an entire galaxy, I don't think you'll have a problem in cutting back." He gives both her and the silent Daniel a smirk as he leaves.

"Does General O'Neill know about this?"

"This does not concern him. There is nothing he can do Colonel. We made sure that his, how shall I put it unhealthy relationship with you has not been allowed to interfere with this." Daniel grasps Sam's hand; which is forming a fist. He rises to dwarf Woolsey's height. 

"I'd be careful what you say, Richard. And for the record, Sam and the General have a perfect, healthy relationship, as any former colleagues should." He stares the IOA official, Who is the first to look away. Woolsey, goes to leave, his snide comment, nearly inaudible in his haste. 

"Don't worry Doctor Jackson, we are aware of who Samantha Carter, lets into her bed at present." Daniel wants to go after him, punch the snide snake, until he takes back his comments. But Sam still has his hand and refuses to let go.

"Let's go home Daniel." She smiles up at him, her exhaustion, at today's meeting evident on her face. He acquiesces, leading her quickly from the base, into his car. He would rather have stayed around and found Jack, ask him if there is any weight behind Woolsey's comment, If the IOA were keeping tabs on members of the SGC. But he takes her back, because he could deny her nothing. 

"_She had fallen asleep in the car on the way back. She denied it of course. But in truth she was exhausted. Her new post, were encountering difficulties, and I believe this was the first night in a while that she was able to truly relax.__"___Sam had woken as soon as he had switched off the engine. Her eyes bright once more.

"You know you can go to sleep again. I don't mind." She shakes her head, smiling as she gets out of the car, waiting for him to open the front door. "I don't get to come home often any more. I want to cherish it. Anyway I've got to return to Atlantis tomorrow." The smile that Daniel had carried since she had come through the gate disappears. 

"Why so soon? Surely you can stay an extra day or two?" She smiles sadly as he carries her small bag into the bedroom. She needn't have bought anything with her. All her stuff is at Daniel's now. She had sold her own place when she had been given her command. 

"_We were going to move in properly when she finished her time with Atlantis.__"___She walks up to him, understanding playing out across her face. She hangs her arms on his neck. Kissing him soothingly. It's the first kiss they had had for God knows how long. He decides to forget tomorrow. Forget that he only has hours to spend with her. Forget the hurt that will surely follow when she leaves. 

Daniel leaves the bedroom a few hours later, his bare feet squeaking against the oak floors, as he goes to grab a bottle of wine, and set the table. 

"_I had made reservations at her favourite restaurant for the subsequent evening, But they had to be left. I didn__'__t really care. I was just so happy that she was there.__"_ He has just put the Lasagne back into the oven when Sam comes out of the bedroom, only wearing one of Daniel's shirts. She finds his scent that clings to all his clothing comforting. She would never admit to it, but she wears his shirts to bed in Atlantis, the only thing that lets her sleep, albeit for only four hours at a time. She does up the buttons as she walks into the kitchen, her eyes never leaving his. 

"That smells good. Your cooking is one thing that I miss when I'm on Atlantis. That is when it's not burnt." She smiles, moving into his easy embrace. His kisses her affectionately, as he manoeuvres her into the dining room, quickly pouring her a glass of wine.

"I think it's best if you stay in here. The chances of me burning the food, greatly decrease if I don't see you looking like that." She smiles wickedly at him, pulling him to her seat. 

"You know I'm not that hungry, we could always go back into the bedroom, and let it burn on purpose." Daniel reluctantly goes back into the kitchen alone. He brings in the meal to a pouting Samantha fifteen minutes later. He laughs at her expression, placing a steaming plate, under her nose. 

"Colonel Carter, a woman who could kill someone from thirteen paces, I have never seen you look cuter in all my life." This brings the corners of her mouth up slightly. She brings her legs down from their position on the other chair, and sniffs the food appreciatively. "Does madam approve." He is awarded with a beady stare. "Okay I'll take that as a yes." They eat mostly in silence, Daniel content to watch her eat, as he grazes. The air slowly becomes electric, as wanting glances are exchanged over glasses of chilled white wine, and mouthfuls of lasagne. The chemistry builds, but is comfortable. All the sweaty palms and nausea, that accompanied the first part of their relationship are gone, thankfully. Both Sam and Daniel are patient. They both know the lust in each others eyes, but can wait. Daniel takes the empty plates into the kitchen, putting them in the sink, to be done later, when she's gone. He finds her sprawled on the comfiest sofa in the lounge, remote in hand lazily flipping through the hundreds of channels, that Daniel never watches.

"I'd never thought I'd say it, but I actually miss television. Just something in the background you know." Daniel shrugs, looking down at her, unable to tear his eyes off her. "I'd never thought I'd get sick of the sound of the ocean, but sometimes, I just want to hear the sound of an engine you know?" Again Daniel remains silent, giving her a curious look. He sits down on the sofa, pulling her into his lap.

"I hope you missed me more than TV and engines Sam?" He asks, his voice close to her ear, the breath tickling her. She giggles slightly, bringing her shoulders up and fidgeting in his embrace.

"Hope your not counting my motorbike as well are you?" He laughs at her; kissing her on the forehead. It was meant to be affectionate, but the kiss quickly becomes out of hand, kissing her strongly on the lips as Sam moans into his mouth. It doesn't take much effort for Daniel to rip the buttons off his shirt that she's wearing. He pulls it off her, kissing each part of skin that it reveals. Sam lazily dispenses with Daniel's boxers and t-shirt. It's slower than before. All the haste of the previous tryst, is replaced with slow loving embraces. They have all night, and are in no rush. 

Daniel awakes barely minutes after, afraid of missing a moment with her, into a tangle of limbs. He doesn't know where Sam ends and he begins. He smiles down at her peaceful, sleeping complexion, as he brushes strays hairs from her face. He disentangles himself, intent in putting Sam somewhere more comfortable. He deftly picks up her sleeping body, pulling it from the deep sofa. He almost moves her without waking her up, until he stubs his toe on the laden coffee table. A jumble of Arabic and ancient Egyptian swear words tumble out of his lips and wake Sam. Her eyes lock with his, as she realises she is in his arms. 

"aw my hero." she purrs, grazing her lips against his. He carefully places her in the middle of the bed, with another kiss on the forehead, and the express instructions to get some sleep. 

"is that in you authority as a Doctor." she asks with an exaggerated yawn. 

"Yes it is. I want you alert for round three." Daniel watches her sleep, afraid of that exhaustion will overcome him too soon. He doesn't want to forget a single moment of this. His time with Sam is too special, to fleeting to forget a single second .

"_It was the last hours we would ever have together. Over too quickly. The whole evening was over too quickly. I clung to her that night, trying to hold onto the time. I thought this night would be the last for a while. But I never imagined..__"___Daniel can't find anymore words. Mark places a comforting hand on his shoulder. Inclining his head to the letter that Daniel is still holding. Maybe Daniel doesn't need to find anymore. 

It's the second letter of Sam's that he has seen, neither of them his own. the familiar script instantly recognisable. Her longing looping y's, and z's with tails, talking to her loved ones now that she can't. Daniel's surprised that Mark wants him to read the letter. He goes to give it back to Sam's brother, but he shakes his head.

"I can't read it Daniel. Please. Do it for me." Daniel Acquiesces, taking in a shallow breath.

_**Mark.**_

_I know you made me promise to never write you one of these. If I__'__d never written a single letter to you in my life ;why should I start now? But I had to Mark. I couldn__'__t leave all these things unsaid. You deserve more than that. I__'__m sorry. I__'__m sorry I__'__ve left you without saying goodbye. I__'__m sorry that we didn__'__t get to sort things out before. It__'__s one thing our family__'__s good at; letting things fester. But I don__'__t want you to think that for one minute that I__'__m still angry at you. I never was. It__'__s just that your words were too close to the truth for my liking. I am like Dad. More than I like to admit. But Mark, maybe that__'__s not a bad thing. Our Dad was an amazing man, who did more for our country, for the world, then you__'__ll ever be allowed to know. I understand that you see the air force as something that killed, nearly everyone that you hold dear, but it__'__s also the air force that gave us a reason to live. If you knew what I was doing you would realise that it__'__s worth putting your life on hold for, and maybe even worth dying for. _

_I love you Mark, I always will, you__'__re my big brother. All I wish is that I could have spent more time with you, and get to know the wonderful family you have made for yourself. You are one lucky man. You must promise me that you will take care of that beautiful wife of yours, and make sure Emily grows up knowing that her daddy loves her with all his heart. Because I__'__ll come by from time to time, to keep an eye on you mister. You have spent all your life watching out for me. Now it will be my turn._

_Don__'__t be angry about my loss. Please just celebrate my life_

_**Your little sister Sam**_

_**X**_

Mark can almost hear Sam's voice. It's faint as if a shallow breeze could catch it and blow it away. The tears have stopped now. He is hollow, he can't feel anything. His glistening eyes stare at Daniel, who's fingers trace the letters on the page. Two grieving men sit on the sofa, a comfortable silence passes between them, no more words are needed. 

They are no big hurry to get back to Cheyenne mountain. The General and Daniel leave Mark with the letter, and the responsibility of planning the civilian ceremony. They had both offered their help with arrangements, but mark had kindly dismissed them saying that this was something that he had to do. They are mostly silent in the car. Silence seems to forever follow Daniel now. Cassandra puts a comforting hand on his knee, squeezing it tightly. He knows what she means by it. He graces her with a rare smile, it still feels forced though, his muscles now unaccustomed to such action. 


	5. Chapter 5

_They arrive at the SGC before Teal__'__c. Daniel goes straight to his quarters, avoiding as many people as possible. He wonders how long he__'__ll stay here; on base. He can__'__t go home. Not yet. Maybe not ever. The thought that his house lay un-touched since Sam and him were last there, makes him never want to go back. He doesn__'__t want to remove the slightest trace of her. Maybe he could live off-world. Maybe that was the solution. He thinks fondly of Abydos, but that__'__s gone now too. He is pulled from his morbid thoughts, by an efficient tap on the door. _

"_Come in.__"__ he replies not even bothering to turn round from his un-packing._

"_Sir, General O__'__Neill requests your presence in the control room, Teal__'__c is back.__"__ Daniel nods that he has understood __"__Oh and Sir..__"__ Daniel begrudgingly turns to face the officer. __"__The general told me to give this to you.__"__ He holds out the envelope that Major Lorne had tried to give him the day before. Daniel turns away again, the officer looks puzzled but places the envelope on the table nearest the door. __"__The General said to tell you that he was worried that you might have forgotten about it. He thinks that you should read it sir.__"__ The officer seems to need some sign from Daniel that he has understood, for he does not leave._

"_Yes, thank you.__"__ He replies pointedly. The SF quickly nods his head and leaves. __"__Jack O__'__Neill You are a persistent git, Daniel grumbles to the empty room as he grabs the offending letter. He knows Jack won__'__t let this drop, as he rips the envelope___with more anger than necessary. He doesn't want to read it, but he's tired and can no longer fight the inevitable. Teal'c would just have to wait. 

Two things drop out of the envelope; a letter and a photograph. He barely takes any notice of the letter. It's what he's been dreading, but he doesn't give it a second look as he stares at the photo. It makes his heart soar, and burn at the same time. It's a copy of a advanced baby scan. Daniel doesn't know how long he stares at it. However long; it will never be enough. He's sat down at the bottom of the bed, but he doesn't know how he got there. The first tears that he has been able to shed blur his already poor vision. He sees the letter on the floor, where he must have dropped in his shock. He picks it up with shaking hands, laying the photo carefully on the bed, as if it was alive; if only. 

_**Daniel.**_

_We would have had a girl. we had always wanted to have a family. We never will now. I found out by accident. Dr Keller has been giving everyone nearly daily check-ups, what with Hoffman virus, and Michael__'__s ability to turn humans into his hybrids. The scanners are so advanced she was even able to determine the gender, and I__'__m only three weeks gone. Apparently I__'__m due on the 26__th__ of may, but I don__'__t think we__'__ll get there. I am so sorry Daniel. I should tell you in person. I should come back, let you look after me, wait for the birth of our child. But I can__'__t. It__'__s too late. I__'__m needed here. I can__'__t let the IOA take over. They__'__re facing extinction Daniel. A whole galaxy is going to die. And Richard Woolsey would let it. I can__'__t turn my back. I just can__'__t. And I know it__'__s awful, but I think I have to put myself and my baby__'__s life on the line to save all theirs. Michael is our fault anyway. I__'__ve sworn Keller to secrecy, she won__'__t tell another living soul. I just can__'__t leave without trying to help. You never know, I may be back. You might not even have to read this. No, I don__'__t believe it either._

_I love you Dr Daniel Jackson. I always have. Long before I could tell you. I wish I had sooner. We could have had many more years together. Maybe even a family. But I wouldn__'__t change anything for a second. I will always love you Daniel. I am so so sorry. You do not deserve what I have done to you. You are the last person in the entire galaxy that I would ever want to hurt, yet you are the one I have the most. I will understand if you hate me. I will understand if you don__'__t want to grieve for the woman who killed your baby. I sometimes wonder if I__'__ve turned into some kind of monster? I saw how Teyla was willing to change her entire life for her the life growing inside of her; yet I cannot even come home. Maybe I am too selfish to be a mother. I will always look out for you Daniel, I__'__ll never be far away, because I gave my heart to you years ago. Please keep the picture safe, I don__'__t want you to ever forget our baby. Our little Mai Jackson. _

_I love you Daniel, with all my heart._

_**Sam **_

_**.XxX.**_

There is nothing he can do. He is unable to act. Sam saw to that. She has taken away all his choices. He has never felt more helpless. He doesn't hate Sam. In some strange way he understands; they always knew what their jobs meant. Jobs; the word doesn't seem appropriate, not anymore. 

"We will always have to make sacrifices Daniel." He hears her voice, even now. Sam had said that a lot. After a particularly difficult mission. Or the time they had to miss their anniversary, because of another emergency. They had always done what they had to, for the greater good. But Daniel finds it difficult to see how there can be any 'good' when the love of his life and his little baby are dead.

"Daniel." He doesn't look up. He daren't let his eyes wonder from the page. He doesn't want this to be a dream; he doesn't want to be losing it. "Come on Daniel. You know this isn't your descent into madness." Her voice so calm, more at peace then he had heard it before. Daniel slowly looks up, wondering what will be in front of him. She's no different to what he had seen, touched; over a month ago. Sam's hair; tied into a loose plait, a few loose strands, not long enough to put behind her ears, have fallen into her eyes. Without saying a word. Daniel rises from the bed; letting the letter fall as he stands in front of Sam, brushing the stray hairs from her face, his eyes never blinking. Sam doesn't say a word, her face barely registering his touch, yet her eyes begin to sparkle with newly formed tears. "Daniel." she coos; her head slightly moving into his hand, as it slowly cups her face.

"Do you forgive me?" He stops. His hand frozen on her face

"there's nothing to forgive" His Thumb, rough from years working on digs, strokes her cheek. "It's good to see you." She smiles at that, her body seeming to emit a glow of it's own. Daniel finds himself, looking her over head to toe. His eyes staring at her anew, making sure that he burns to memory, every aspect, blemish and scar, as if she's been carried here on the wind, and may depart at any moment. He doesn't know what to say. He hasn't been with her for so long, it's as if he's forgotten how to talk to her. He moves his hand from her face to her hand which he realises is shaking. "I didn't think ascended beings got nervous." He breathes edging ever closer into Sam. 

"What makes you think I'm one of them?" She smiles coyly, as Daniel gives her a piercing stare. "Okay, well I guess you've got some past experience."

Questions bubble in his head. The anthropologist in him wants to know how. What with Omar gone, and the reported quickness of her death. But all this is pushed aside.

"Will you stay?" Daniel finds himself unable to hold her eyes, his vision dropping to their entwined hands, now both slightly shaking, the grip now stronger, though who was holding on tighter, is anyone's guess.

"For a bit." He feels her eyes seeking out his.

"Won't you stay. Change back for me?" He can hear the self-pity dripping from his voice, and he hates himself for it. He looks up repentantly, seeing the hurt in her eyes. "I'm.. I'm. I just never imagined doing this without you. I don't know if I can."

"You were doing just fine when I was in Atlantis Daniel. You don't need me. You never did." Daniel can't believe that she could think that. He's spent the majority of his time off-world unable to be in a place where Sam should be.

"I DO." It's louder than he had intended. His quiet tones forgotten. Daniel didn't mean to shout but he needs to make her understand. Her voice when she speaks, is barely more than a whisper, her words not able to be voiced louder.

"Don't you think I need you too? I felt lost In Atlantis, second guessing every decision, wanting to go back, to the SGC, to you. I slept in your shirts, just to feel close to you. But this is different. It's more important than us." Daniel wants to scream once more. The darkness coming. Threatening to take her from him.

"We have spent so many years; putting everything before you and me. Before us. But I can't loose you."

"It's our daughter." She breathes. Without missing a beat he relinquishes all resistance. Reeling from it. He feels his head nodding, the darkness dissipating.

"Okay. Do what you have to. For her."

"she was barely a she when it happened. A mix of X-X chromosomes, half of you. Half of me. Barely a baby at all." Daniel picks up the scan from the bed, handing Sam the picture, as he rakes his hand through his uncombed hair.

"She's perfect. Worth everything." He looks at her, the love of his life. " I'd do anything for her. But don't ask me to say goodbye to you."

Sam strokes the paper, her small smile again prevalent, unwilling to answer Daniel's plea.

"Daniel, Your right. She's everything. I never thought I could feel that way. It's strange. When your with her, it's like you can feel her, all around, a mixture of emotions and feelings, particles in the air. It's all she is at the moment." Daniel unconsciously brings Sam into his arms, kissing her forehead, knowing he'll never want to let her go. As they both look down at the photograph.

Her stillness in his arms is disconcerting. He's not even sure if she's breathing. Not that she needs to now. It's just another thing that takes her away from him. How could he compete?

"I want to keep you." He speaks into her hair. Not really addressing her. He's not being fair. She could have left him in the dark. He would never have known that he had a child. His baby girl.


End file.
